Breaking an Impasse – A Mediator’s Dilemma: To Advise or Not
After mediating for over a decade, I keep revisiting certain moments of my mediations and wonder if I would do things differently. By now, I know that there is NO point in regretting because I trust the Mediation Process and my role as a Neutral. However, I believe I could handle some situations better going forward.
I don’t give up on the process of mediating easily, ESPECIALLY when giving the parties space to take their stands and express themselves completely. But sometimes, the parties hold on to their positions and refuse to budge an inch. In such cases, it is tough to get them to arrive at any compromise or shift perspectives. They reach what we call an impasse.
After HEARING both sides, I now have a better hold on the issues. I see a lot of things more clearly than they do. I am sometimes tempted to ADVISE them, and I know that they would take my advice and act on it. However, that is not the intended outcome of mediation. We want them to arrive at a conclusion that they both want, and we are merely Neutral facilitators.
These few points come to my mind that help in handling an impasse:
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My job is not to INTERFERE with parties trying to arrive at an agreement. I bring both perspectives to the table, facilitate conversations, and offer observations as I sit back and listen attentively to each of them.
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The parties may or may not be taking the right steps. There could be a power imbalance, and the need to give up their positions might be hard for them while arriving at agreements. I can merely nudge the CONVERSATIONS, offer options as probable solutions, and allow them TO see it for themselves.
I recall, in one of my mediations, during a private session, a lady asked me if I would stand by her even after the mediation was over to guide her, as she was nervous about taking a stand before her brash husband. I said yes, I would, and I was aware of the need to be cautious so that my assurances would not AFFECT the stand she would take in the current mediation agreement.
My assurance ENCOURAGED her to participate; otherwise, she might not have opened up at all.
She was afraid of the consequences of taking a stand, which would impact family dynamics. This is a delicate space where the mediator’s role becomes important. An assurance gave her the courage to move forward.
- I refrain from getting trapped into thinking that an agreement reached in mediation is my success. It is not. It must not be. It belongs to the conflicting parties. However, it is tempting to claim success when the parties say sorry to each other and seem willing to arrive at an agreement.
However, THEIR MINDS may change after the mediation is over—when an agreement is being drafted or when they step out of the mediation space and back into their relationships. I have to remind myself that I can only wait and watch but cannot provoke a settlement JUST BECAUSE I see it as viable option.
I allow myself to feel a little victorious when they come back after taking time to ponder over the terms with whoever they want.
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The more I FOCUS on allowing ‘Self-Determination of Parties,’ the more success I see in settling agreements after mediation. What they actually need from us mediators is our presence—staying with them through difficult conversations and decisions.
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The clients stay with the mediation process and come back, even when they know they can end it anytime. They stay, and THAT’S why I also stay and do not give up. It is a together thing.
In one case that has not yet reached the mediation table, a party keeps reaching out every few months to ask, “How do I get my husband to come to the mediation table?” She is terrified because he is popular and powerful. I completely sense that, despite being abandoned by him, she still loves him. I will not give up on her and will keep encouraging her to come for mediation.
Whether before, during, or after mediation, a mediator does not give up on the process and the people. Private mediation is DEFINITELY better than litigation. The people are vulnerable and unsure. A mediator can be like a rock, standing with them and helping them navigate their situation.
Before you step into a courtroom, explore a peaceful way to resolve divorce disputes. Mediation saves time, money, and stress. Take a free session to explore the process and see how it will work for you.
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